Critique of a Will Dockery poem

External Since: Apr 08, 2005 Posts: 25

ggamble wrote:
> On 15 Apr 2005 13:53:52 -0700, "Will Dockery" wrote:
>
> >When I first arrived on these newsgroups, I noticed one of the
better
> >poets posting here at the time was... Pandora.
>
> I predicted this.

You predicted *nothing*, Gas-fly. I posted two years ago that I liked
Pandora's poetry, that's nothing new.

Here's a current favorite of mine by Pandora:

----
From: pandora (pandora@peak.org)
Subject: LESSON LEARNED
Newsgroups: rec.arts.poems, alt.arts.poetry.comments
Date: 2002-11-11 01:17:13 PST

LESSON LEARNED
-----------------------------------------

Daddy's only real true love
was rose bushes
he tended them ardently reverently
faithfully
pruning clipping weeding
every day after work
and all day Saturday

spent more time on his rose garden
than on anything else
even watching television
wife and family were way down the list

I hated roses for years
wouldn't plant a single rose bush
in my garden
it was my way of rebelling

learned the hard way that nothing
else would grow in this hard baked clay soil
finally gave in
planted rose bushes
they thrive as nothing else would
roses grow where not much else will
perhaps my father knew more
than I gave him credit for

June 20, 2001
----

A pretty good poem.

--
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And his hair was perfect." -Warren Zevon

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External Since: Jun 21, 2004 Posts: 24

In article <1113599013.580972.306680 RemoveThis @g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>,
Will Dockery <shamankickboxer RemoveThis @hotmail.com> said:

> pandora wrote:
  > > "Will Dockery" wrote:
   > > >
   > > > In fact, even your hated Pandora writes better poetry.
  > >
  > > Why, thank you will. I appreciate that. My poetry has been
> improving since
  > > I left these newsgroups. My poetry critique group is much better at
  > > critiquing than anyone here was.
   > > > Hope this helps.
  > >
  > > It does. Indeed. Smile

>
> Here's a good spot to show Gamble as nothing but a jeering Gas-fly,
> after all.
>
> When I first arrived on these newsgroups, I noticed one of the better
> poets posting here at the time was... Pandora.
>
> Here's one of my favorites from that era:
>
> ----
> From: Will Dockery
> Subject: ANIMAL GUIDE [my favorite Pandora poem]
> Newsgroups: rec.arts.poems
> Date: 2003-12-22 19:03:00 PST
>
> ANIMAL GUIDE
> ------------------------------
>
> the crow chose me
> my animal guide
> wise perky noisy trickster

I like the sound of the first stanza: the repeated "c"s, "m"s, "s"s; the
mirror imaging of the first four "i" sounds and finishing with an oddball
fifth. The "perk" sound seems a bit out of place because of its hard sound
and its rude splitting one set of the mirrored "i" sounds. The first two
lines are lazily okay but the third line is bothersome. Would a "wise
trickster" really be "perky noisy"? Stereotype wise, no; instead, a "wise
trickster" would perform it's tricks with quiet deception.

> my hubby thinks it's fitting
> and so do I
> for who can ignore a crow
> noisily cawing
> proclaiming it's presence
> or arrogantly strutting through a parking lot

Again, the sounds are good. Content wise, flags are thrown. What does a
crow noisily cawing in a parking lot have to do with the speaker's being
fit enough to be chosen and guided by a wise crow (who also happens to be
a trickster)? IWO, between the first and second stanza, there are three
independent thoughts that have very little if anything, to do with each
other. There's nothing said that indicates the crow is wisely guiding the
speaker nor that the crow is a trickster. The only thing common between
the first and second stanza is the crow is said to be noisy.

> and yet
> it survives and thrives
> as do I

Again, the sounds are good but now another independent thought has been
thrown onto the scene. What is the crow "yet" surviving and thriving from
or in spite of? From being noisy? From having its tricks fail because it's
"noisy perky"? From having to wisely guide the speaker?

> be wary though
> of the trickster aspect
> crows can fool you

The expression of caution while defining a trickster as being someone (in
this case, a crow) who can fool you makes for a rather dull ending, as it
appears to be nothing but a predictable warning and a dictionary entry.
And again, what is said has nothing to do with the other four independent
thoughts except that it was early mentioned the crow was a trickster;
however, no evidence was given to indicate the crow was a trickster.

Overall, the piece has good sounds and a somewhat decent choice of words
but it fails to say anything interesting. A good poem? Not even close.

My suggestion: Get rid of the "perky noisy", "fitting", and "survives"
stuff, then rework it so it shows how the crow's trickiness wisely (or
slyly) guides the speaker towards prosperity or florescence.

> -pandora
> May 30, 2001
> ----
>
> I don't just *hope*, I *know* this helps.

As usual, your megalomaniac self-conceit assholeness is amusing.

--
Cm~